Semangat Yang Hilang

Entah lah...semenjak dua menjak ni, I rasa hilang semangat..atau orang putih call it lost of interest. All I want to do is just be alone and sleep. I rasa malas nak hidup...oppsss..please dont get me wrong. I bukannya thought of suicide, no no...not at all. I just feel malas nak "menjalani kehidupan" ini. I rasa macam..err.."Boleh tak kalau I tak nak hidup hari ni?". Sometimes, I feel like I wanna be comma....lupa sekejap pasal dunia ni, just lie down. Tapi I tak nak mati, I belum bersedia untuk mati. Can you all understand what i am trying to say?

Tak ada benda yang I buat I rasa seronok. tengok TV pun bohsan, nak keluar rumah malas. I rasa bosan dan malas segala galanya. I cuma nak duduk and baring saja. I suka sangat kalau dapat baring atas katil, buka aircond and bungkus myself dengan selimut. I feel so secure inside the blanket...macam kura kura dalam cengkerang.

Actually, apa yang I rasa ni dah lama, just, now I think it is getting worst and worst and worst. At this moment, I feel like I want to leave everything, go to one island macam cerita Lost tu. I know I can survive cause I was a scout while at school and I've attended the Outward Bound School at Lumut (masa muda muda dulu laa...).

Some people asked me to go to work as I got the qualification but...I am not interested, not at all. I dont know why I have this kind of feeling. I feel sooooooo lazy.... or may be I can say that I feel demotivated. I dont want to do anything. You know, I can sleep one whole day and I really enjoy it. I enjoy sleeping. I wish I dapat makan poison apple macam cerita Sleeping Beauty tu, lepas tu tidur bertahun tahun.

Everyday, when I wake up in the morning...instead of saying "Alhamdulillah"....I say " Oh no, another day to go, Ya Allah, please give me strength to face the day". I hate my self and I hate what I feel. Sometimes I wish, I'll not wake up anymore.




Teringat pada lyric lagu Mad World......"The dream of I am dying is the best I've ever had".


Bila I ceritakan pada one person ni, dia kata "Sayang nya, u're still young and u're educated" But now, my degree means nothing to me. I'm thinking to change my career, may be engineering is not my interest, but I cant find, what is a suitable career for me...errrrr...is there any position for Sleeping Beauty? Sleep and get paid....bestnyer kalau ada position tu.



I think, am lost...am losing direction in my life. I really dont know what to do, where to go. Am drawning.....

FYI, now am at Malaysia. Ahhh...balik Malaysia lagi memening kan kepala I. Banyak perkara yang I nak kena uruskan...seems like "All come back to me now". I feel everything is soooo difficult for me to do, even a simple thing, I feel it is very difficult. I dont have mom, I dont have dad and I dont have siblings nak mengadu. I rasa macam tak nak lagi balik ke Malaysia, tapi mana lagi nak pergi. I am Malaysian.

My hubby...... at this moment I rasa, alangkah baiknya kalau I tak ada hubby. I tak sabar nak tunggu dia balik semula ke Doha. Tinggalkan I sorang sorang di Malaysia. I'll not follow him back to Doha at this moment. I rasa kehadiran dia hanya irritating. As a wife, I feel it is my responsibility to serve him. Dia tak kisah cos dia faham keadaan I, I pulak yg rasa guilty. I feel useless. Kalau dia tak ada, I rasa bebas dari tanggung jawab. I just want to be alone and I want to feel free. Free from any responsibility. I just want to sleep.

Entah lah...I tak tau apa yang I bebelkan dalam entry kali ini. Kalau u all faham, faham lah...kalau tak faham pun tak per sebab I sendiri pun tak faham apa yang I rasa. Am I suffering from major depression? I wonder, what is going to happen to me? I rasa macam I dah nak explode dah sekarang ni.... I wish I nak tido tido tido tido and tido...Itu jer yang boleh buat kan I happy. Tidur or baring and bungkus dengan selimut and tak ada orang kacau tidur I. Ahhh...nikmatnya...